so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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