Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
