fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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