I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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