Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
whose parrot is this?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
