Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
