I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
