i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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