I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
