The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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