i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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