It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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