I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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