My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
