is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
