you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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