Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
