Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
