i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
