We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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