you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
