Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
