how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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