i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
