I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
