If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
