I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
