How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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