Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Randomize
