I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
