My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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