My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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