You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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