I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just threw up on my dentist
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
