Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
