The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
