I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
