Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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