I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
