we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
