Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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