just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
