Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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