I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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