i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
