His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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