I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize