Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
