I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
