I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
is wine microwaveable?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
