I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
