im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
