what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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