whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He felt like a one man threesome
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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