I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
