did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
