Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
